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Thread Necromancy 6x366z
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surrounded by echoes of an annoying-but-poisonously-wistful inescapable past, i didnt want to literally re-live this
concede sincere identity or sow pointless relational self-sabotage
vaguely/partially false dichotomy but the fickle dramatized impression of a self-destructive ultimatum remains when i do happen to value those things
i guess it gives more dream-material to play with or re-examine, that could be fun
i still the one with that cult leader where he zip-collared me (idk how to describe the details of how this mechanically worked) and it triggered and its metal wiry zipper-prongs bore deep into me while crushing my trachea because i didnt give a good enough devotee performance even though dreamself had been fawning grossly hard
it was funny and i kinda fixated on him with great sincerity (i also assume the thin wispy pale mysterious archetype won some points), and i probably attached to something about my relationship with that oppressive atmosphere and these people in these neat little places (bathroom-like poolrooms-like mazes, concrete halls and ambiguous walls of aquarium-tank glass)... other fictional cultists that resided throughout these places include a scientist with a clipboard and some indistinct figures at the periphery, indifferent to the leader walking in with this soon-to-be-collared mess of a non-person following behind, that response from them seemed quite funny
did not appreciate the pain and suffocation in the moment but savory dream-thrills tended to retroactively make up for things even during more real consequences (sudden and momentary violent muscle spasms, or sore locked-down muscle paralysis where it takes immense effort to yank a limb to life)
but when its so intoxicating idrk how to respond but to be fascinated
i get some of this sense of anticipatory intoxication from these recent real-life contexts
not remotely the same but the contexts and subsequent feelings i gather from them draw a lot of associations in common
concede sincere identity or sow pointless relational self-sabotage
vaguely/partially false dichotomy but the fickle dramatized impression of a self-destructive ultimatum remains when i do happen to value those things
i guess it gives more dream-material to play with or re-examine, that could be fun
i still the one with that cult leader where he zip-collared me (idk how to describe the details of how this mechanically worked) and it triggered and its metal wiry zipper-prongs bore deep into me while crushing my trachea because i didnt give a good enough devotee performance even though dreamself had been fawning grossly hard
it was funny and i kinda fixated on him with great sincerity (i also assume the thin wispy pale mysterious archetype won some points), and i probably attached to something about my relationship with that oppressive atmosphere and these people in these neat little places (bathroom-like poolrooms-like mazes, concrete halls and ambiguous walls of aquarium-tank glass)... other fictional cultists that resided throughout these places include a scientist with a clipboard and some indistinct figures at the periphery, indifferent to the leader walking in with this soon-to-be-collared mess of a non-person following behind, that response from them seemed quite funny
did not appreciate the pain and suffocation in the moment but savory dream-thrills tended to retroactively make up for things even during more real consequences (sudden and momentary violent muscle spasms, or sore locked-down muscle paralysis where it takes immense effort to yank a limb to life)
but when its so intoxicating idrk how to respond but to be fascinated
i get some of this sense of anticipatory intoxication from these recent real-life contexts
not remotely the same but the contexts and subsequent feelings i gather from them draw a lot of associations in common
i just want a mate...
you just Want,, To Mate??!?
i just want a mate!!
well you're not Mating with Me, sunshine!
...
here birdie birdie !! hiiii im here :)
dying in dismalland
o, fledgling flock of jaded doves...
let not the seed of sin sour your souls but may you soar with the sovereign sun who sets your flight alight through shining skies ^-^
you just Want,, To Mate??!?
i just want a mate!!
well you're not Mating with Me, sunshine!
...
here birdie birdie !! hiiii im here :)
dying in dismalland
o, fledgling flock of jaded doves...
let not the seed of sin sour your souls but may you soar with the sovereign sun who sets your flight alight through shining skies ^-^
no ive had heart palpitations for a couple years now. i went to the ER and they had me do a bunch of tests. when I squat, tie my shoes, anything where my legs are to my chest, my heart rate and blood pressure skyrocket. saw it go from 70 (resting) to 170 bpm (just after my squat) and had a couple nurses monitor me for a couple hours. aside from that it flutters every now and then. my bp is usually high 140/110 or something, and during the squat its like 170/126 (stroke range damn near)abraker wrote: 5u2f3m
are you a cyborg?IAMACROBA wrote: 1g5939
back from the hopital!! i got this cool machine strapped to my chest
yeah, i have a holter monitor on my chest for the next week and i have a cardiologist referral soon. sorry for the info dump, not looking for sympathy, just giving context.
edit, i was officially diagnosed with palpitations, which is a blanket term. however there was talk that they (big doctor) think its POTS. which is uncommon in men, but still possible.
:< wishing a smooth and informative cardiologist visit for you
...
i dont have a lot to say and it bothers me, words dont really Happen lately unless its for myself although this isnt quite working so often either
exhausted or empathy-drained or selfish or something else, im not really well-positioned to understand or suggest anything accurately anymore
i can only hope things will be well and be present when youre here :')
...
thinking about selfishness actually
im not sure what my thoughts on this are, both in the contexts of other people and in regard to myself... im not sure if im tired/uncomfortable with it or not, or what the source of it necessarily is, whether intrinsic/moral or more of consequentialist thing that might or might not happen to also be a moral-thing-in-a-different-way or if it's more of an internalized-standard thing or
but in general im not sure im any good at telling what i am, and i seem prone to being a little narrow-minded in defining myself as if im definitively anything in particular just because i find vague impressions of that thing represented through life or my thoughts/memories or my emotions at a given time
very imbalanced kind of person, probably
selfish in many ways (self-absorption? only really tending to cultivate and focus attention toward myself and really quite deeply neglecting anyone else. pre-occupied with inward suspicions that probably turn out to be very unremarkable/normative in hindsight), "selfless" (funny) in some others where i seem to "care" for people in a probably-mundane way that i cant quite define for myself at the moment-- maybe a disionate compulsion (so long as it is easy enough to accomplish or is sincerely compatible with my thinking/feeling in a given moment), as well as idealist notions without a lot of motivation or practice or principle beyond it just appearing pleasant to me
i wonder what makes me up, in whatever ways that i've seemed to live
so much cowardice
so much banal hypocrisy (? unsure what i meant in typing that, maybe im subconsciously referring to a thing or maybe im typing it uncritically and assuming it to be applicable without really testing it or "knowing" it to be true in any particularly concrete sense)
so "human"
...
i dont have a lot to say and it bothers me, words dont really Happen lately unless its for myself although this isnt quite working so often either
exhausted or empathy-drained or selfish or something else, im not really well-positioned to understand or suggest anything accurately anymore
i can only hope things will be well and be present when youre here :')
...
thinking about selfishness actually
im not sure what my thoughts on this are, both in the contexts of other people and in regard to myself... im not sure if im tired/uncomfortable with it or not, or what the source of it necessarily is, whether intrinsic/moral or more of consequentialist thing that might or might not happen to also be a moral-thing-in-a-different-way or if it's more of an internalized-standard thing or
but in general im not sure im any good at telling what i am, and i seem prone to being a little narrow-minded in defining myself as if im definitively anything in particular just because i find vague impressions of that thing represented through life or my thoughts/memories or my emotions at a given time
very imbalanced kind of person, probably
selfish in many ways (self-absorption? only really tending to cultivate and focus attention toward myself and really quite deeply neglecting anyone else. pre-occupied with inward suspicions that probably turn out to be very unremarkable/normative in hindsight), "selfless" (funny) in some others where i seem to "care" for people in a probably-mundane way that i cant quite define for myself at the moment-- maybe a disionate compulsion (so long as it is easy enough to accomplish or is sincerely compatible with my thinking/feeling in a given moment), as well as idealist notions without a lot of motivation or practice or principle beyond it just appearing pleasant to me
i wonder what makes me up, in whatever ways that i've seemed to live
so much cowardice
so much banal hypocrisy (? unsure what i meant in typing that, maybe im subconsciously referring to a thing or maybe im typing it uncritically and assuming it to be applicable without really testing it or "knowing" it to be true in any particularly concrete sense)
so "human"
Penguin wrote: 17b4d
I would love to find out why if you’re comfortable doing so 🙂synthwavesquid wrote: 371e23
you have no idea how fucking funny it is to say that to me specificallyPenguin wrote: 17b4d
Hope you find yourself soon.synthwavesquid wrote: 371e23
dissociation...
>>
>>
abraker-san i think the bot fucked up
It’s actually insane how much I feel like I can empathize with this. I don’t really know if we are on the exact same understanding and have the exact same experience when it comes to all that you said, or if it’s me drawing parallels between my lived experience and what you said, thinking it sounds similar enough or something.Achromalia wrote: 6z4f3o
achros texti dont have a lot to say and it bothers me, words dont really Happen lately unless its for myself although this isnt quite working so often either
exhausted or empathy-drained or selfish or something else, im not really well-positioned to understand or suggest anything accurately anymore
i can only hope things will be well and be present when youre here :')
...
thinking about selfishness actually
im not sure what my thoughts on this are, both in the contexts of other people and in regard to myself... im not sure if im tired/uncomfortable with it or not, or what the source of it necessarily is, whether intrinsic/moral or more of consequentialist thing that might or might not happen to also be a moral-thing-in-a-different-way or if it's more of an internalized-standard thing or
but in general im not sure im any good at telling what i am, and i seem prone to being a little narrow-minded in defining myself as if im definitively anything in particular just because i find vague impressions of that thing represented through life or my thoughts/memories or my emotions at a given time
very imbalanced kind of person, probably
selfish in many ways (self-absorption? only really tending to cultivate and focus attention toward myself and really quite deeply neglecting anyone else. pre-occupied with inward suspicions that probably turn out to be very unremarkable/normative in hindsight), "selfless" (funny) in some others where i seem to "care" for people in a probably-mundane way that i cant quite define for myself at the moment-- maybe a disionate compulsion (so long as it is easy enough to accomplish or is sincerely compatible with my thinking/feeling in a given moment), as well as idealist notions without a lot of motivation or practice or principle beyond it just appearing pleasant to me
i wonder what makes me up, in whatever ways that i've seemed to live
so much cowardice
so much banal hypocrisy (? unsure what i meant in typing that, maybe im subconsciously referring to a thing or maybe im typing it uncritically and assuming it to be applicable without really testing it or "knowing" it to be true in any particularly concrete sense)
so "human"
What I have noticed is that my brain really likes to focus on the negative things in life. And I believe that it is a natural biological phenomenon that occurs so that we are more likely to notice the negative things and fix them. This is why physical pain exists after all. Your body sends your brain a signal so that you do not cause yourself irreversible damage. It makes sense that mental pain / anguish would be similar.
I’ve been trying to be more aware and cognizant of any mental anguish that is happening to myself at any given moment. If I notice that I am thinking about negative aspects of my life or myself, I let myself really think about those things. Even if it’s painful, I think it’s good to experience those negative emotions so that I am more likely to fix whatever is the cause of said issues.
The next problem that arises is my problem solving capabilities. Just because I am aware of an issue, does not mean that I know what the cause is and how to fix it. The more I actively let myself think, the better I get at recognizing my issues and learning how to solve them.
As for why I brought this up in the first place, it’s because you said you don’t know why you’re unable to empathize or think about others, and you can only think of yourself. I believe that if I were in your shoes, it would be due to the fact that there is some deep internal mental issue that I haven’t come to recognize yet, and my brain is trying to focus on myself only because it is trying to fix said issue.
Idk if I explained myself properly, but I really hope you found my gibberish somewhat digestible, Achro. Hope you’re doing well buddy.
Also, I’ve been reading this study recently and I find it to be super fascinating: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8771390/
It’s about the correlation between mood and memory.